Government overexcited about negotiations with United Baloch Army

Islamabad - Our Special Correspondent: Pakistan Prime Minister Dr Mian Muhammad Nawaz Sharif has rather excitedly announced that the government would be negotiating with the hitherto unknown United Baloch Army (UBA) that had claimed responsibility for the bomb blast in Islamabad on Wednesday. Speaking exclusively to Khabaristan Today, Nawaz said that negotiating with terrorists who kill innocent Pakistanis is an integral part of the current ruling party’s manifesto and that there was no reason why the government would want to change that for Baloch terrorists.

“It is only logical that we have decided to negotiate with the United Baloch Army – who I had not heard of until earlier this week – because that falls in line with our counter terrorism policy,” Nawaz told Khabaristan Today. “I mean it is impossible to count the number of blasts that the TTP have orchestrated, but we always negotiate with them, don’t we? Baloch separatists deserve the same,” he added.

Claiming that no self-respecting government would have one rule for a group of miscreants and completely different for another, the prime minister then went on to add that ostensible religiosity should not be factored in while dealing with anti-state elements. “If we were to immediately launch operations against the UBA, while we are sitting on the negotiation table with the TTP, one would assume that we have bowed down to TTP’s peddled religiosity. And that just because TTP have claimed that their actions are Islamic – something that the UBA of course has not iterated – we are giving them all the leeway in the world,” Nawaz said.

He further added that the establishment’s contrasting stance regarding the Taliban and Baloch separatists also needed to be rebuffed, and that the best way of doing so would be to treat them equally. “We will soon release Baloch separatists as a token of goodwill as well,” Nawaz concluded.

Interior Minister Chaudhry Nisar Ali Khan meanwhile breathed a very loud sigh of relief when approached by our correspondent with questions related to the blast. “I am just glad that someone else took responsibility for it and Thank Allah Almighty, the Most Beneficent, Most Merciful, that the TTP condemned the bombing. With the timing so suspicious, had no one showed up, I might have had to take the responsibility for the blast myself,” Nisar said.

All “non-TTP” bombings are haraam: TTP

North Waziristan - Our TTP Correspondent: The Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) Team Lead Maulana Fazlullah has issued a fatwa on behalf of his entire team against all bomb blasts that the TTP has no hand in, Khabaristan Today has learnt. The announcement came a day after TTP spokesman Shahidullah Shahid condemned the United Baloch Army’s (UBA) blast in the capital, claiming that it was haraam. “We do not kill innocent people,” Shahidullah shamelessly said. Fazlullah, meanwhile, has decided to go one better and has reiterated that all “non-TTP” bombings are haraam.

“I would like to take this opportunity given to me byKhabaristan Today to clarify for once and all that only the TTP have exclusive rights overhalaal bombings – suicide or otherwise. And so any blast that the TTP does not take responsibility of, automatically becomesharaam,” Fazlullah said.

The TTP chief further added that it is very important that the Islamic Republic of Pakistan learns to differentiate between Shariah-compliant blasts and secular blasts. “If you kill innocent citizens according to the Sharia that is halaal, but if you kill innocents according to any other motivation that is haraam. That is basically what Shahidullah was trying to say. And it is no rocket science.” Fazlullah concluded.

814.5 million Indians will vote to decide Yuvraj Singh’s future

New Delhi - Our India Correspondent: On Monday, last week, the first Indians cast their votes vying to decide cricketer Yuvraj Singh’s future in what is touted as the world’s biggest election. Around 814.5 million are registered voters, and the voting process would continue over the next five weeks to decide what should be done about Yuvraj Singh.

Names like Narendra Modi, Rahul Gandhi and Arvind Kejriwal have also been linked with the voting process. However, experts believe that such names are irrelevant and the Indians would vote in hordes with only one name on their mind: Yuvraj Singh.

The elections results are due on May 16.

It is pertinent to mention here that the Indians are really angry, and will come out in numbers to vent their frustration. The recent past haunts them, and all moments before that count for zilch. Pedigrees do not mean a thing as things stand. They believe they have been betrayed. And India collectively believes that it should axe its betrayers.

Sangakkara awarded Sitara-e-Jurat by Pakistan government

Colombo - Our Cricket Correspondent: Pakistan government has awarded Sri Lankan star cricketer Kumar Sangakkara the Sitara-e-Jurat – the third highest military accolade – following his match winning performance for Pakistan against India in the ICC World T20 final in Bangladesh last Sunday. The brass at GHQ believes that Sangakkara deserves this accolade for his services to Pakistan and his endeavour to crush our enemies.

“Just the reaction in Pakistan following the T20 World Cup final should be enough to reveal how Sangakkara thoroughly deserves this award. The Pakistanis were over the moon, and tributes flew in from all over the place. Sangakkara truly is a Pakistani hero,” said an ISPR spokesman talking to Khabaristan Today.

It is important to mention here that Sangakkara, along with Mahela Jayawardene, have announced their retirement from the shortest form of cricket. And so it was rather fitting that Pakistanis gave their hero such a rapturous farewell.